SUCKERS!!!

Maverick McCain Makes Presidential Victory Speech

Phoenix - In what many Washington outsiders are calling his most maverick move yet, John McCain, who tonight lost his bid for the presidency of the United States to Barack Obama, gave a victory speech tonight in which he claimed to have won 300 electoral votes and laid out an ambitious plan for the future of the country. Sadly, none of his supporters had the heart to tell him that in fact Obama has won more than 330 electoral votes and was named President-elect little more than half an hour earlier. For his part, Obama was understanding of McCain's position, knowing that "it must be hard for that old, sad, man." McCain supporter Robert Smith, who was at McCain's speech, was impressed with his continued maverick ways even now in defeat, and notes that "there is nothing that man isn't at odds with."

McCain's House Goes Dark on Halloween Night

Washington - Presidential candidate John McCain's house was found to be the only dark house on his block on Halloween night, sources reported. "Old Man McCain's house is always dark on Halloween," said an unnamed source, costumed as Mr. T, "every year his is the only house with no lights on, and he doesn't even leave a big bowl of candy on his porch." For years McCain's house has fallen dark on Halloween as the senator from Arizona has become more and more out of touch with American youth and what many in the neighborhood call a curmudgeon. Other sources note that on other occassions McCain has yelled at neigborhood children to "get of [his] lawn." Children in the neighborhood know not to bother McCain, who has been known to also keep frisbees and baseballs lost on his property. "We'll come back around midnight and egg his house," noted the costumed source, "it's what you get."

Guy Ritchie Devises Gritty, Violent Bank Caper Shootemup Plan to Win Back Madonna

Hollywood - Guy Ritchie, director of such hits as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch as well as the similarly themed Rocknrolla which comes out this Halloween, has reportedly devised a scheme to save his marriage to aging superstar Madonna. Sources close to the Ritchie camp revealed that the plan entails a slew of characters who will attempt to make good by robbing a bank, yet somehow get entangled in British organized crime, rife with gypsies, mob bosses, and assassins. "Guns will play a major roll in Guy's plan to save his marriage," said a source on the condition of anonymity. "This is all Guy Ritchie knows, and he's had wild success with the same formulaic films, he's under the notion that a comedy of errors that befuddle loveable criminals can solve a lot of problems in the world." There is no word yet as to who of his celebrity friends will help in the scheme to keep Ritchie married to Madonna, but fellow Englishman Jason Statham is rumored to be attached to this project.

Red Sox Realize They're Playing Freaking Tampa Bay, Rally to Win AL Series Game

Boston - The Boston Red Sox came back from a seven-point deficit to beat freaking Tampa Bay last night, keeping their hopes alive to move on to he World Series. The rally came late in the seventh inning when Dustin Pedroia hit an RBI single and David Ortiz added a three-run homer against Grant Balfour. J.D. Drew hit a two-run homer in the eighth, and Coco Crisp tied it with a two-out RBI single off Dan Wheeler. "We didn't do anything good for the first six innings," said Wheeler, "but then we all suddenly kind of realized that we weren't playing the Yankees or the Cubs, or any of the myriad of legendary baseball teams who have paid their dues, we were playing freaking Tampa Bay." Wheeler accented this notion by making the 'jerk-off' motion with his hand. "One we realized that we were going to lose to the freaking Rays of all teams it was on!" J.D. Drew singled home the winning run with two outs in the ninth, commenting, "Freaking Rays. Queer."